Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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