The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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