Apparently you make a good broom.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
