I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
