I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
