I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
