just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
