I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This house was built for laser tag.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
In other news, I just burned my penis
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
