Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
