you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
