im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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