I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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