The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
