Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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