Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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