Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
In other news, I just burned my penis
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
