Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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