Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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