Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
