I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
