Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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