i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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