I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
