I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
