Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
