i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
