I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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