hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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