Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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