Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
