Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
50% drunk capacity currently
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
