Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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