nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
