I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
