Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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