I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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