i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
