Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
