I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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