i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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