Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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