I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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