I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize