Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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