Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
