WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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