you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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