Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
