At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
