the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
