The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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