My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
