"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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