The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
