can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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