She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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