i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
