Who did Billy Mays play for?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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