you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
