Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
