New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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