So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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