I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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