I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
