I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
